Today is my birthday and I am 24. I do find these particular celebrations to be significant and a reason to reflect on life, the path I’ve created for myself and the people I’ve met whilst strolling down it. On my 20th Birthday I think it was, I wrote a blog in honour of the 4 men I knew who had inspired me through my teens. 4 years on and I feel I should probably write another one, however this time I thought I should probably write about the people I often complain about the most. Birds.
These past few months I’ve been focusing with friends about how I am as a person and how I can say now as a 24 year old young man that I am pretty happy with myself as a person. I boast no real insecurities; no actual anxieties and I never suffer from irrational thoughts. I’m not particularly self conscious, the people I meet are often quite fond of me, I have a talent for making people laugh and folk listen when I have something to say even though most of the time its probably bollocks with no actual meaning. Even this daft blog gets a lot of people talking and I’ve only ever advertised it on Facebook. I feel cultured and capable of holding conversation with even the most academic of people I meet and have assessed my relationships well enough to now devise who is worthy of my love and attention most.
Now obviously I am a normal human being and as a result there are still a lot of things that need improving. I haven’t got the career I’ve studied for and crave, I have a few issues with my drive to achieve things and as a result have a load of half finished things that need doing. At the time of writing this I have several unfinished word documents of articles, blogs and film treatments. I still haven’t opened that ISA account I’ve been going on about, still aint joined that boxing gym I mentioned and it’s my issues with women that still plague me the most and pretty much contradict every positive aspect of my personality I’ve just listed.
If I could find the route of my apparent misogyny I’d say the Genesis of it all was when I was 16 and my circle of friends by default were a group of very drunk and obnoxious birds who had that cliché of being absolutely sound as a pound when you had them on their own, but then get them in a group and give them booze and the lunatics would well and truly takeover the asylum. 3 years I hung out with them for. Don’t get me wrong we had some good times and I love them to bits. But the bitchyness, screaming, constant falling-outs over stupid things and unnecessary drama was far too much for someone as laid back as me.
If I was to seek a professional opinion on my issue however I’m pretty sure a psychiatrist would find some sort of Freudian theory linked to my mother. There may be a case for this, however I will save that for the unlikely event I end up on a shrinks sofa. My mother has no place anywhere in sex blog.
But it’s my experiences in life that have shaped my outlooks. It’s surely only natural. If you have a bad time at Butlins on more then one occasion, you’re going to think its shit. If you get bitten by a dog more then once you’re not going to be very keen on dogs. If you’re teenage years and early 20’s are littered with betrayals, let downs and other compromising situations with the opposite sex, you’re going to have trust issues.
Now I’m not ignoring female issues in society because obviously they do exist. I’m not an arsehole. Obviously inequality is very apparent. Women are underpaid in the same jobs as men, harassment in clubs, pubs and on the street is a daily occurrence, they are being told the reason they are raped is because of the way they are dressed and casual sexism is just apart of common culture. All this of course is horrible bollocks and I feel for the women that put up with the shit every single day. That’s not to say men don’t also get similar treatment. I should know because I’ve seen it.
Being 16 years old and getting stared off the childcare course stand at college was an eye opener, having work experience in nursery’s would lead to a nonce joke by pretty much every mate I had. Working in an office as the only bloke certainly opens your ears to women’s methods behind their treatment of men. But the experience that troubled me most was when I was raped….
Quite a few years ago a friend of mine came over to my house just for a few drinks and a chat. Just like the time before and the time before that. This particular evening I got shit faced and just as we lay down to go to bed she made a move. At first I pulled away, then I asked if she was sure, then I asked again a 3rd time. Then she had sex with me. At the time the experience was confusing and filled with guilt seeing I was also mates with her boyfriend. I didn’t tell anyone for ages but when I did and I mentioned that I wasn’t particularly up for it I was met with the reaction of ‘pffft yea right ok. You didn’t want to shag this gorgeous bird?…ok whatever’ Now in a way they might be right. I was too drunk to fuck that night and even if I weren’t I wasn’t in the mood for sex. But when a sexy bird has got her tongue down your throat and her hand wanking your cock I think it’s biologically impossible as a bloke to say no, and yes admittedly once we started having sex I got into it, ate her out and made her cum a couple of times. Does that make it alright? I dunno I’m still undecided on that one. However I do know that if the boot was on the other foot and I had drunkenly forced myself upon her there would have been a lynch mob after me.
Girls having sex with me whether I like it or not isn’t a rare occurrence. I can think of several occasions with a handful of birds where they have just had sex with me, even though I really haven’t been in the mood and on some occasions even said ‘no’ firmly. Infact one lady I was shagging for a while actually said ‘I feel really bad when I’m not horny and you are. Because you always fuck me even when you really don’t want too’
Now I wont try and turn this blog into some beg for sympathy or reasoning for misogny. I aint going to list every situation where women have wronged me because I cant be bothered and anyway I already did a bit of that in a previous entry. But what I suppose I’m trying to say is that my experiences have shaped my expectations of women. Which is sad of course, especially when I consider my now fading sex life and my yet to develop love life. At the start of this year I re wrote my sex manifesto, with my main policy to avoid sexual encounters with women who have quite apparent insecurities or severe social anxieties. I know this may make me sound like a dick and maybe I am, but I just can’t handle the stress of dealing with extreme emotions. I’m not entirely sure I deal with my own in a healthy way, let alone that of someone who may need genuine care and attention. Another was to get out of the dating game, so deleting my online dating profile was a must. The experience was fun at first and I did get a fair few shags and meet a lot of interesting people. But it was making me literally hate women and that obviously aint healthy. Since mapping out this manifesto in my head I haven’t had sex since. The lack of actual ‘love’ in my life is still a major concern and I blame this partly on my issues with women and but mostly because I just haven’t met enough exciting ones to really want to commit.
What’s more is that when I do eventually meet a girl I like I have often found myself in some sort of schizophrenic game of tennis when it comes to negotiating the impending pursuit. For instance if I meet a girl I like or already know and want to ask them out I get conflicted and my mind races a load of dialogue with itself. It usually goes a little something like this…. ‘I’ll ask to see if she wants to come with me to (insert event here)/but what if she thinks I’m coming on to her?/ Well that’s the plan aint it?/ Should I ask her back to my house at the end of the night?/ She might think you’re trying to fuck her/ well I am aint I?/ Yes but you don’t want her to know that, she might only see you as a friend, it might scare her off?/ But she might want to fuck me too and is just waiting for that invite?/ but imagine the humiliating, awkward and crushing blow of failure if she says no! You may never recover from this one!’…..
This has been a bit of a theme since day one. I even cast doubt on myself when I’ve been invited back to a girl’s house whilst on a date…. ‘Don’t get ahead of yourself here. It’s not good gentleman conduct to expect sex…’ This chain of thought has always been proved wrong in such a situation, seeing as I’ve fucked pretty much every bird that invited me back to their place. Why would they invite me back after a date that was clearly going well if they didn’t want to have a shag?
But along the road of life that has seen me frustrated and disappointed at the hands of many women. What about them aces in the hole? The ones that contradict my unfortunate views and the ones that make me re think walking into that feminist meet up with a nail bomb in my bag. That’s who this blog is really about, these are the 4 top women who have impressed me most in life.
Now I suppose before I get started I should really mention 2 women in particular who are not on the list but that in no way makes them undeserving of doing so. I am ofcourse talking about Heide and Dom. I met these two fine women at a similar time in life when I must have been about 18. Dom I met through raving and Heide I met through her daughter, whom I’d also go raving with. Through out the years the two of them would listen to all of my problems and where most people would run away from such issues the two of them would run toward them, willing to help and listen to my troubles. When I had a particular dark period a few years back, Heide’s house was a safe haven for me, and I dunno what I would of done without it. Dom has always looked after me at raves, no matter how fucked I got she’d lead me round by the hand making sure I was alright. The two of them seem to has this deafening love for me which I fear I can only take advantage of and never truly repay. They are the two most genuinely hospitable and caring people I know and are easily the two most significant people I’ve met in my adult life so far. Without either of them, fuck knows what I’d be like now.
Deirdre
I was fairly prolific at the ol’ internet game. The majority of my dates were interesting and worth while and I did chalk up about 7 different shags during my 3 years on and off of really being into it. I was never expecting to get anything serious out of it and I look back at it as just a bit of good fun which it certainly was. Most of the birds I met I’ve now lost contact with, however I have not stopped talking to Deirdre since I first met her over 2 years ago now. Of all the dates I went on from that sight hers was the most painless. After a couple of messages she suggested we meet up. We went for a few drinks near her halls in north London and after a couple of hours ended up back at hers. For the whole of the night I thought this was just another throwaway date, a nice evening out with an interesting girl from a completely different background to my own. Maybe we’d meet again, perhaps not. It was only when I went to get another beer from the fridge that she came out with a line that I’ll never forget – Another beer? Will you be able to get it up later?… she asked with a very concerned tone. My response was of obvious puzzlement –errrr yea I’ll be alright. Sure enough after about an hour we had sex, and after a lovely spring and first half of summer together Deirdre went back to her native Canada. She’s visited once more since and the time spent together was indeed very lovely. Not a week goes by when we don’t talk.
What separates Deirdre from the rest of the women on this list is that she’s the only one I have some form of feelings for and at that rate is the only bird to date that I would happily snap up into a relationship with. Aside from being incredibly lovely, refreshingly laid back, charmingly cultivated and very clever it’s her honesty and confidence that are her two defining features.
Not only is Deirdre a damn fine friend, but she’s also the first lover I’ve had who has come with absolutely no baggage. There is no head fuck, no bullshit and I know exactly where I stand within the relationship at all times. Which is another trait of hers that makes her unique and that is her sexual liberalism and exceptional love life. Deirdre manages to hold down 2 boyfriends and a few other lovers with seemingly no issue whatsoever, made possible due to her abrupt honesty and openness. Although I’m not romantically involved with her as it were I know that she would never do anything that could potentially upset me and when the two of us are together we have a very vocal yet limited list of boundaries with each other that makes the whole affair very comfortable.
She is a prime example of how a ladies confidence in her self can be their most attractive feature. I remember during one drunken late night video call we was discussing recent sexual exploits, when after a particular saucy tale from Deirdr’ I asked – How do you keep getting yourself into these kinky situations? – Because I’m hot! Was her response. When questioned on her weight her response was – When I was thin I was very unhappy and now that I’m fat I’ve never been happier.
With Deirdre I’ve met the first bird who’s been totally honest with me even telling me things I probably don’t want to hear. She always listens to my problems and I consider her a role model to women with appearance issues. Society tells young women that they should be thin and only sleep with hot boys their own age. Dierdre says she’ll look how she wants and fuck who she wants, when she wants. I love her to pieces.
Michelle
I met Michelle back in 08, in the early hours of a Saturday morning at Glade festival. My mate Lewis was having a bit of bad time and was looking for water to sort himself out. After a search I came back to find the two of them talking. The 3 of us hung around for an hour or so, and it wasn’t until a few weeks later during a rave at Brighton that I saw her again. Upon that acknowledgement the rest is history really. Although I will say a landmark between me and Michelle was when we hung out at the festival Secret Garden Party…
I had broken in and she was working there, doing sculpture work in an impressive looking bar. We knocked around together for the duration of the festival and during which time I totally fell for the girl. She had it all, good looks, creative mind, fine attitude to life, adventurous, clever, really funny, friendly to everyone she spoke to, a wealth of knowledge in all aspects of life.
After SGP I thought I was in love with Michelle. I’d never felt that way about a bird before. From there we’d just see each other at festivals, or atleast in passing at raves in Brighton. It took me till the Bangface weekender nearly 2 years later to express my feelings.
I was shitfaced drunk at the time and was always 95% sure that she didn’t feel the same way… Clearly she didn’t. However since then I couldn’t be happier, the two of us have become closer in ways I could only ever hope for, and I’ve never felt more relieved that we were destined to be platonic friends.
Michelle is a beautiful, artisan, open minded, friendly soul who thrives on the rewards of travelling the earth, helping people and expressing herself in creative forms along the way. She is dedicated to every one of these causes. One time I visited her and she said in the most nonchalant way– You wont see me for a few months… Im going to travel New Zealand and Japan for a while. Another time I sent her a text that received no response, she did eventually a week later and it read ‘Sorry for the late reply. I was at Burning Man.’
Michelle is a do’er. A lover of life’s adventures, someone who thrives on discovering new experiences yet still stays modest in her discoveries. When not spontaneously travelling distant lands, she’s giving her best into helping the world. Whether it be through protesting or volunteering, teaching under privileged kids poetry. Or just filling her time constructively by learning Spanish or takin up a blacksmithing course
But why I really have actual love for Michelle is not just because she is a remarkable human being, but because she is also a really amazing friend. During another dark time in my life, Michelle cared about how I was. She took it upon herself to make sure I was alright inviting me down for visits, listening to my worries without interruption, guide me on issues and not judge anything I had to say, all whilst being perfectly hospitable. To this day I know that if I need to speak to someone, Michelle will answer the phone every time.
At one point I did genuinely have feelings for Michelle but I know now it wasn’t her exactly that I loved. It was the idea of her. This gorgeous, artisan, out going, charming lady who provided me with nothing but entertainment and good times. Of course I was going to fall for her! who wouldn’t? But of all the decisions I’ve made with birds, not pursuing anything sexual with her is probably the wisest. Some relationships are best not diluted with the complications of sex, and I don’t think there will ever be an occasion where sexual tension is present between the 2 of us… At least I hope there never will be. She is perfect as she is and I’m very proud to consider her as one of my best friends.
Sarah
Sarah is Heide’s daughter. We met through a rave internet forum where I met most of my friends and as many great times have been spent together wasted at parties, festivals and squats Sarah has become a good friend of mine. She has an androgynous personality that I really admire. Outspoken and outgoing, she is everyone’s friend, the life and soul of the party with a heart so pure and organic and not a moment wasted whilst in her company.
Over the years of my countless drug induced adventures Sarah has been present at all my favourite ones. Aside from that she is also one of the most decent human beings I know, who will always make time to sit and talk to you, be open to any view you may have but still be able to take the piss at the same time.
Sarah similar to Michelle is a doer. When she says she’s going to do something she will probably do it. ‘I’m going to convert a van and drive it across Europe going to festivals’ did it. ‘I’m going to get into Glastonbury this year by blagging a set’ did it.
But above all this what I love most about Sarah is that she just seems to have so much love for life and all those in it. She is determined to enjoy herself and in turn spread joy to those around her. Whether its getting a party swinging with a heavy DJ set or putting a room full of people in hysterics with her obnoxious sense of humour. She is infectiously fun and possesses no malice in her what so ever. When I think of some of the best moments of my life, Sarah has been stood there next to me.
She also has the talent of simply just making sense. When she talks, you listen and very rarely will I ever say ‘no you’re talking bollocks’ and when I do it makes for an entertaining debate. At one particular festival one year, I went a bit mental on a heavy night and tried to convince Sarah that there was ‘Snakes amongst the grass’ ready to betray us at any moment. She patiently sat and listened to my bollocks and somehow talked me down from my paranoid state.
In 10 years time I want to be sitting outside a tent at some festival in some distant country somewhere, look over and see Sarah’s lovely face grinning back at me. What comforts me is that I know I probably will. I don’t tell her enough, but I love her dearly.
Lauren
Lauren is my oldest friend. She has been there literally since day one. We went to school together, went on holiday together, started drinking together, and started raving together. For a while people who met me would mistake Lauren for my girlfriend because we’d pretty much come as a couple every time we’d go out. From gigs at the Astoria, the night we decided we’d go to a night called ‘Bangface’ and that first pill we did in Brixton Mass. We came of age together. In recent years however I don’t get to see her that much.
Now first off I think Lauren is probably the most sociable person I know. Chuck her in a room with anyone and she’ll make them her best friend. She is an entity. Loud and vivacious with a constant grin on her face she can pretty much turn any party into a frenzy simply by cracking open a bottle of Labrini. There are many reasons to love Lauren. My main one is that she just straight up don’t give a fuck! She see’s a bloke in a pub she likes, they are taking her home that night. She wants to travel across the world and teach skiing to people, she doesn’t go on about doing it, getting nothing done. She goes out and fucking does it.
In Lauren I have found someone whose lifestyle I truly do envy. For a few years when she decided she was going to gallivanting across the globe chasing ski seasons and working summers at adventure camps, I resented her. All these plans we had when we were young, all the things we were going to do together when we were truly adults were now replaced by her newfound liestlye. It’s only been recently where I’ve noticed how selfish it was of me to think that and now I couldn’t be more proud. My best friend who I grew up with saw a wild lifestyle we could all only dream of. To make a career out of what she loved doing, which would also support the lifestyle she suits and she just did it. With no encouragement, no back handers and no excuses.
So it is Laurens attitude towards life that I actually find inspiring. Her intense confidence that has gotten her to the point in life where she now gets paid to travel the world doing the sports she loves. I often say that Lauren is pretty much a bloke trapped in a bird’s body, doing extreme sports, getting pissed all the time, shagging everything that moves. The latter often causes criticism from her fellow woman, because that’s not how a lady should act, Lauren pays no heed to such nonsense views and does what the fuck she likes.
My childhood best friend is now the most inspirational person I know. I hope I can one day end up living a life doing exactly what I love.
So they are the 4 most influential women I know. I suppose if I could link them all and find one defining feature between the lot of them is not just their lust for life, infectious friendly nature or empowering confidence, but I guess it’s their humbleness towards their achievement’s. I’ve heard many a feminist bleat on about how ‘they are a woman who’s achieved whatever in such a male dominated society’ but these 4 don’t bother with such bollocks. They just get on with it enjoying life. It don’t matter that they are specifically women winning at the game of life, all that matters to them is that they are winning.
Play me out Mozzer….