It’s Valentines Day, and for some that means an excuse to be extra romantic and then later extra filthy with the one they love or who are quite keen on. I was chatting with a friend the other day about romantic experiences we’ve had in our lives and I couldn’t think of any. Infact Valentines is a bit of an elusive one for me. I’ve never had anyone to put the effort into with. I also find the concept of romance to be very contrived and forced. Buying a bird flowers or whatever other clichéd forms of acts of romance there may be make me cringe as much as they probably do for you. But then I suppose romance is also quite subjective. My idea of a romantic evening is a meal a top of the range curry house, a trip to the theatre, then polishing off an eighth of coke in a top dollar strip club before stumbling back home for over the top, rough sex. Beautiful!
So whilst I may not have any romantic moments to look fondly back on, I do have a few anecdotes on sexual mishaps. Because there are them moments everyone has had during sex that porn seems to always cut out. Sex after all is a filthy job and sometimes shit does happen in both a theoretical and literal sense. So here are a couple of cock ups that made me laugh and sometimes feel a bit sick whilst I was shagging birds.
This particular incident often tickles me not just because of what happened but also because it was the first time I ended up in bed with this particular bird. We was lying together when the gauge of intimacy started to rise from a bit of a cuddle, then to a bit of heavy petting, then to dry humping, then maybe a grope of the arse underneath the jeans, then the almost inevitable change of pace of her pulling down my pajama trousers and going to work with her mouth. Deciding to return the favour I flipped her over pulled her knickers off and dived in like a duck hunting a fish. After a few minutes of positive reaction I came up for air, had a bit of a kiss, then lifted her legs up so I could get better leverage for a further scoff. The sudden movement of which caused her to release a well-pitched fart straight in my face! The hilarity of which cause me to burst out laughing in a heap on the bed. She seemed very embarrassed about the whole thing, which only made the incident cuter. What’s even funnier is that a few weeks later when we were at it, she did it again! If you can’t laugh at farts, you need to grow up.
A similar piece of toilet humour occurred with one bird during a bit of the ol’ anal sex. A lot of people often keep quiet over the fact that sometimes during bum love there can be some rather unpleasant smells, well when you pump away at an orifice for that long you will incur a similar effect to fracking in that natural gasses will be released. Anyway during this particular rough session which seemed to go on for ages I had said bird in the ‘doggy’ position getting enough leverage to really put my back into the maneuvers, until a pressure pushed my dick out of her arse which was then followed by a fair sized shit. I met this with a comedic ‘whooooops’ she then responded with ‘did I just shit?’ we both then burst into a riotous amount of laughter (mainly from her) so much so it broke the sexy atmosphere of the moment. Fair play to her though, she then bear handed the turd and left the room to get rid of it. Classy!
There was another incident where towards the end of one particularly steamy session I did my usual routine of rolling over and rubbing myself off until I was ready to unload on the willing lady next to me. Due to my curse of never being able to cum during sex this could usually take a lot of time and sometimes can take so long that the bird next to me can get bored and disinterested. On this occasion whilst the mood in the room was still pretty saucy the young lady in question had asked me to cum all over her face. This was all well and good after a lengthy sex session with all the trimmings, but after almost half an hour of me wanking off and her trying to help by either groping or sucking my balls I could sense that she was starting to lose interest. After some focus and will power finally the time had arrived, so I swung over as fast as I could just as she sat up which ended with me planting my knee in her face. By this point I was already shooting silk and wasn’t able to apologies until after I had just plastered her now very pissed off looking face. After a brief laughing fit I thought I’d do the gentlemanly thing and clean her up. ‘That was pretty funny’ I said in response to the sour look on her now cum-cleaned mush. ‘You’re lucky you’re so pretty’ she said annoyed.
Like many other of my fellow man I get very squeamish over the very thought of the female menstrual cycle, the sight of it during sex can deflate an erection quicker then popping a balloon with a cigarette. One bird with whom I had quite a lengthy sex based relationship with would almost force me to earn my red wings when the occasion took her. One time whilst fondling about in bed she decided to make herself cum by rubbing herself up against my cock. After achieving this she then wiped what I thought was the resulting grease in and around my mouth. Thinking this was pretty sexy and not taking any notice of the difference in texture and flavor to usual lady juice I went downstairs to make a cup of tea, when I then detoured to the bathroom I noticed my face was covered in blood. I took the whole thing really rather well and wasn’t as disgusted as I thought I’d be. I still quiver at the thought of a period and now never trust what a bird puts in my mouth before looking at it first.
So on another meaningless Valentines day I look again what the future holds for both my sex and love life. I fear I’ve reached a point where I’ve now forgotten how to get women into bed. I look back at the periods of my life where I’d have a constant string of sex partners or when I used to be successful at dating and I think ‘how did I do that? How did I approach these birds? How did I get them back to bed with me?’ my confidence in the field has faded at an alarming rate and even when I think back to the 2 birds I nailed last year both of them were the instigators of things. I’ve begrudgingly become the Fernando Torres of shagging.
So enjoy your Valentines day, even if you don’t celebrate it like I know the majority of you probably don’t, it is a Friday after all. I’m going to the cinema to see a film about a man who falls in love with his operating system.
Play me out Mozzer….