I’ve been pretty quiet with writing recently. This is an accumulation of a few things; Firstly a few problems in my personal life. The details of which I won’t bore you with, but it has made it harder to just spontaneously start writing about the thoughts in my head. Also another inevitable problem which I foresaw happening when I started writing this thing and that is that I’m very quickly running out of things to write about. Infact my last sexy adventure happened literally the night before I was persuaded to start writing this blog, and what’s even more odd is that it hasn’t bothered me in the slightest. Recently my libido has been pretty much non existent, I think the weather may of played a part, but otherwise I really cant remember a time when I was this disinterested with seeking out a new bird to have sex with. It really cant be healthy for a young man on the verge of turning 23. I haven’t bothered looking up on whether it may be some form of depression because last time I researched a psychological condition I ended up getting obsessed that a friend of mine definitely had it.
I realised the other day that it’s been almost 3 months since I last had sex, which is my biggest drought in almost 3 years. Even my porn viewing and wanking habits have taken a nose dive. I don’t remember the last time I watched porn with the intention of getting aroused by it, and recently the only times I’ve thought of rubbing one out have been solely out of boredom, a sleeping aid, or as I’ve found out recently it’s a good way of helping you wake up in the morning. They haven’t even been them long enjoyable wanks that I remember having, they usually only last like 3 minutes and I don’t even conjure up kinky fantasies involving people I really shouldn’t be thinking about in such a way.
I’ve tried to dissect the problem and I’ve narrowed it down to a list of the following; as I mentioned before the weather has been terrible, which not only makes ladies dress more reserved but it doesn’t get me in the mood at all. Secondly I have not come across any birds that I’d want to put the effort in to try and have sex with. Actually this is a bit of a lie I did actually get the number off this bit of crumpet at a rave last month but after a few texts I got bored and we lost contact. Then there’s other factors like not really having the money to take birds out on dates, on top of that I also got bored of internet dating which has been my main source of fanny in recent years and haven’t bothered with that avenue for the last few months, and then there’s what I think may be the main factor and that is that my self esteem has been at all time low, probably due to having settle with a dead end job for petty cash until a start in my chosen career magically appears from somewhere. But also because I think I’ve had a total fall from grace over the last year and I’m no longer the ‘Billy Big Bollocks’ I once claimed to be. There’s also a few other defining factors, but like I say I wont bore you with that. There are also other practical factors like not really meeting any new groups of people, and also living with back with my parents has been a big factor. When I was living away it was easy to just wait for my housemates to be out, invite a bird over for a few friendly drinks (or on some occasions they’d invite themselves over. This is when I knew I was in) I’d then be in a comfortable environment where I could play tunes from obscure bands they’ve never heard of, watch films they didn’t know existed. Regale them with my hilarious anecdotes and witty musings, as well as cook them dinner and wine them lavishly. I’d keep this up until it was too late for them to mission home, then we’d pretty much always end up having sex. I cant do this anymore, my parents live in the bowels of south London which is hard to get to and hanging out in my bedroom just isn’t cool enough to woo a bird. Also if I were to pull a bird on a night out or after a date, I could hardly then take her on a mission back to mine and fuck her whilst my parents were asleep. I did this when I was in my teens, and dog kept barking because he thought someone was being murdered in my room. The next day my parents queried the two of us on what all the noise was about. It was quite awkard.
But to be honest with you I’m actually quite glad I’ve had a sexual switch off, because otherwise I’d just be a complete frustrated mess at the moment, with no birds being interested in me and no money or drive to try and interest the ones that aint. Although I have been warned by my more celibate mates that this is the start of it and I’ll soon learn to accept it and before I know it 2 years would have passed. I can guarantee this won’t happen, not just because I’ve had verbal agreements to have it off with a few ladies in the not too distant future but also because I know as soon as summer hits, the sun comes out, the women start baring more skin and I start to present myself in more social situations I will soon turn into combination of Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet and Michael Caine in Alfie. But in light of this I have now proved to myself that I can easily live without the company of a woman. Which I kind of knew I already could do, considering I did it for huge spells of my teenage years. But I noticed that even when I had 3 or 4 women on the go and would shag them on different days of a single week I wasn’t anymore happier in my self, although I did keep saying that I’d miss it when they were all gone. Slowly but surely this has happened, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t prefer it the way it was. But you see you don’t really need sex, not really, you’re not going to starve to death without it. Infact having a few birds on the go and getting regular sex is a bit like having a big bag of drugs; you’re satisfied and excited when you first get it, you spend more money then you want to on it, you cancel plans with other friends to do it and spend a whole weekend doing nothing constructive, you take it for granted and never think it will run out, you ignore calls from your parents when doing it. If you do too much of it, it will usually give you a headache and some form of anxiety and if you make too much of a habit of doing one particular drug in your arsenal you can end up getting dependent on it. But ultimately, even though you love indulging in your big bag of drugs you know that really you can still have a lot of fun doing lots of other things, even if you didn’t have it.
Also like with indulging in loads of drugs all the time, you can start to build up a dependency and the thrill starts to fade. Recently I gave up smoking weed because it started giving me the opposite effects of what I originally did it for, so naturally I stopped smoking it. Hopefully in time I’ll be able to smoke a spliff and feel that old relaxed, satisfied, focused feeling it once gave me, but until then I’m happy to go without. I guess I’m like that with sex at the moment, I had so much at my disposal for such a time that I started to take it all for granted. The next time I end up having sex with a bird I’ll be more appreciative of all them little things that make sex great. The heavy feeling in your chest when the sexual tension reaches breaking point, the heavy breathing when you start to fondle each other, the way a bird rubs your cock when she can feel how hard you are. When you first feel how wet she is, finding out what her pussy tastes and smells like. How loud she is, how enthusiastic? How kinky? How easy does she orgasm? Will she let me cum on her face? Will she swallow? Will we cuddle afterwards? And so on.
There’s the other little factors I’ve started to notice during my sabbatical, such as the lies we tell each other as compliments when we are fucking. I’m sure we all do it. For instance I’ve shagged a few birds who have told me in the heat of passion that I have a big cock. One bird who lauded her deep throating skills said she struggled with me because I was apparently a lot bigger then other guys she’d given head too. Now I’ve never measured my cock, but if its any bigger then 7 “’s max, then I’d be very surprised. But then again my response to a bird telling me how big my cock is is usually met with a ‘your pussy is so tight’ line. Which whilst I’m on the subject. Whats so great about tight pussys? Why do women have such a complex over them? Is it a similar one to what men have about cock size? Because to be honest like I imagine is similar with really big cocks, tight pussys, I mean actual properly tight pussy’s are in truth really uncomfortable. It’s wet pussy’s that I prefer. I’d much rather have the natural lubrication to perform with the desired speed and agility then stick my dick into the hole the size of a mouse’s ear hole that threatens to shred my foreskin to ribbons. But to be honest girls, of all the bird’s I’ve had it off with there hasn’t really been too much difference. It is an anxiety I’ve noticed a few of the girls I’ve shagged have, and it has usually put them off fisting for fear it would hollow them out somehow, which is a silly way to think because vagina’s are designed to push babies heads out… These same girls would then go on to later ask me to fist them at some point. Every one of them.
The thing I find about myself is that I have a different approach to women then a lot of my male peers, and that is it doesn’t take a lot for me to want to have sex with someone and I can quite happily have a sexual relationship with a good friend without the fear of feelings developing. I’ve spoken in previous blogs about my kinky counter and nympho meter that I use to judge my desire and probability with having it off with someone, which is always down to personality traits. Looks aren’t really important to me at all. Wanting to have sex with someone based on looks alone is a recipe for disaster, well atleast in my experience it is. When I was about 17/18 I used to knock around with this bird who I quite liked and wanted to fuck her purely because she was an Edie Sedgwick look alike. We were friends for about a year before I eventually nailed her, and she was probably the worse shag ever. Totally static, no enthusiasm and she made these annoying little grunting noises. Also after she’d cum a few times she wasn’t interested anymore. Whats more on top of that she was a bit of a cunt. Always would cancel plans last minute, would always get me to cover her on nights out and she’d always drone on about several dick head blokes she liked who were treating her badly. She tried to get back in touch with me a couple of years ago after another relationship with some twat broke down. I ignored the text.
Infact there was another incident I had with a generically attractive girl that ended in disappointment. Back when I was in university I went to a party of a mate’s missus from another uni. I think it was UCL, or UEL or ULU or one of them kinds of places that I can’t tell the difference between. Anyway the clientele of the do was mainly art and fashion students. It wasn’t a particularly big affair and to give it its credit it weren’t a bad party, especially considering I was taking it easy on the booze because I was driving. So whilst doing the ritual line-of-drugs-in-the-bedroom which has been accustom to parties since the dawn of time, the two of us got chatting and before long the bedroom was empty. After a few more minutes of drug fueled shit-chat the inevitable happened and before long a bit of heavy petting turned into oral sex. That’s when the atmosphere changed. I was trying all my best techniques, changing tempos, spelling my name on her clit with my tongue and even tried licking her belly button… from the inside. But the room was deathly silent and she wasn’t responding to anything, which left me quite frustrated thinking ‘I’m not bad at this! I’ve done this many times before and been very successful. I’ve had birds praise my twat scoffing skills!’ After a while it became quite apparent that things weren’t quite right so I stopped, then asked her if she’d rather return favour, to which she replied ‘No, I don’t really like doing that’ This was the straw that broke the camels back and before long I made an excuse to leave the room, and then shortly after that I was in the car heading home. The whole experience genuinely perturbed me for a few weeks. A friend of mine said that it’s quite common for women not to enjoy oral. Fair enough if this is you, but it must be the equivalent of being lactose intolerant. Must be very dull.
I had another one of them settling down conversations the other day with a couple friends. I’m nearly another year older and I’m still no closer to committing to a bird then I was when I were 15. There are many factors behind this; my issues with women are the main problem. I won’t go into them now because my list of problems with women could fill a 500 page book, with a full bibliography. It’s not that I’d hate a woman just because they are a woman, a life of set backs, battered relationships and poor treatment has soured my thoughts on females. As a result I’m not the kind of bloke who just jumps into things with a bird. Unlike some of my friends who cant function properly without being in a relationship, I’m a bit more reserved. I’d only decide to start a committed relationship with a bird if I was absolutely sure it would work. I’ve seen too many friends be absolutely destroyed when their relationships broke down. It’s funny, you meet people who wont have sex with a person until they know they are ready to, these people are usually serial monogamists. I’ll shag nearly anything that moves and I’ve never had a relationship.
Above all else though, regardless of my misogyny and possible phobia of commitment there’s also the fact that no bird has ever come along who has truly swept me off my feet. There’s been a few minor occasions. I really liked a girl a couple of years back, we had a lot in common, she was beautiful and lovely, really intelligent, head screwed on and no sign of mental illness. It took me months to try and pluck up the courage to ask her to go for a drink; by the time I did I was beaten to the post by a much better looking, much more intelligent and all-round lovely bloke. No hard feelings at all though, they are still very happy together and she would have been a lot happier with him then with me. Then there was another bird who I was really head over heels with. She had every single characteristic I want from a girlfriend. Funny, adventurous, beautiful, exotic, a passion for fun, artistic and driven to succeed. I kept it all in for a few years and then eventually at a festival last year I told her how I felt, all be it pissed out of my head. I was 90% sure she didn’t feel the same way and I was right, regardless though I am so proud to have her as a friend. Don’t get me wrong I’d still love to fuck her, but if I had the option of shagging her a few times and never seeing her again, or being her friend for life in an entirely platonic way, I’d much rather the latter. There was also a situation quite recently where things got a bit full on with a friend of mine I was shagging for a while. My situation changed and as my empire of independence, confidence and self esteem started to collapse around me I suggested starting a relationship. The month that followed was very confusing and frustrating. The whole episode was very out of character for me, especially considering in the months leading up to it I was adamant nothing like that was going to develop. I always knew it wouldn’t work and it would have been totally disastrous if we did get it together. There were some other elements that still bother me now but over all I really regret coming up with the idea in the first place. Never underestimate what loneliness can do to a man.
A good friend of mine also said something to me that I think rings the most true and that was something along the lines of ‘You’re such a complex personality that it’s going to take an equally complex girl for you to really want to commit’ This is probably the best analysis on the situation. One of the main things that I’ve come to notice is that nearly every bird that shows an interest in me seems to have some sort of crippling insecurity or extreme self esteem issues, or is just plain batshit. They are also the girls that are considered ‘easy’ by horrible blokes and a section of femnisists who use that term to put other girls down because they themselves are insecure. ‘easy’ is such a horrible term and can hurt a girls good character, ‘painless’ is the nomenclature I preffer, and if it werent for these painless girls, fella’s like me wouldn’t get laid as much. But basically girls if you like shagging about and you are dong it in a honest and safe way. You have all my respect and actually alot of respect from other people. Dont listen to society telling you that you’re a ‘slut’ and you should be ashamed of that. If anything the more painless girls are better then the frigid ones.
Now I don’t mind the crazy birds to an extent but I end up getting myself into situations where I spend so much time trying to make them happy I forget about my own happiness, and unfortunately its a lot harder to fix someone then the movies make out. I had a bit of a think about the type of girl I’d like to commit to and it’s alot different to the type of bird i like taking up purely casual sexual relationships with. Dont get me wrong I’m still friends with nearly all of my old lovers but there’s a big difference between what I’d expect from both. Yea we all want to be shagging the bird with the best deep throat skills, the ones who love anal, the bird that squirts, one with a high pain fresh hold, one with a drawer full of sex toys the bird that gets you threesomes with her mates, or would love to have one with your best mate, the bird who always has the filthiest idea’s and calls you up out of the blue to come round and fuck. Dont get me wrong a bird who is sexually adventerous is a must for someone I want to be in a relationship with, but also she’d have to be cultured good humoured, adventurous and driven, they would also have to have minimum baggage. I know that sounds harsh but it’s just how I am. Those of you who know me or are atleast acquainted with me may think I come across as a bit unhinged, or erratic, or maybe a bit of weirdo but I’m honestly not. I’m very level headed, I never get paranoid, atleast not for good reason, I have almost no insecurities about my personality or body and I like to think I’m a total rational thinker. Above that my friends seem to think quite highly of me and do try my best to be a nice guy all the time. Basically I like the quiet, peaceful life with intervals of blowing off steam in a haze of music, drink, drugs, dancing and general dicking about. That’s surely not too much to ask no? It’s not so much I haven’t wanted to commit to a bird because I dont like any of them, I just havent been impressed by enough to commit all my emotions to them, and the ones that have are usually uninterested or already taken by a man of twice my ability.
But when it comes down to it I’m not going to go searching for that special girl, that mission could possibly drive me mad. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. I’m turning 23 soon. I’ve had many jobs and bedded many women, but I’m still no closer to a career or a relationship. But I’ve been getting closer recently, and maybe it will all change this year. I just wish my libido would come back to me soon.
Play me out Mozzer…