When I started to write this blog I began to reflect on the number of girls that I’ve had it off with. I’m still not sure but it’s between 15 and 20. The reason I cant remember the exact number is probably because I was either too drunk or totally uninspired by the experience, but also because the vast majority of it was totally meaningless. Having given it a good hard think though, I reckon I’m on 17. Judging that since the age of 19 I’ve averaged 4 birds a year, adding on the few scattered experiences before that leading down to when I lost my virginity at 15. Which then got me thinking about the types of ladies who have succumbed to my charm. 2 of them were prostitutes – who for the sake of argument we will leave out of this because they were under a financial obligation. A high percentage were nympho’s, about 2 or 3 were just sexually curious and some of them were just drunk. But the main thing that does stick out is that the majority of them were all crazy. Whether it be crippiling insecurities, manic-depressives or just being genuinely batshit. Pretty much 80% of them were unhinged and unbalanced in their own unique way, now I don’t know what that says about my own personality, but what I can say that in my experience there has been one sub category where refreshingly being mental has never been an issue. The bigger girls!
I refer to them as bigger girls because I refuse to call them ‘fat chicks’. Not only is it rude I find the term rather vulgar, in the same way I find the term ‘fuck buddy’ or ‘loo’ to be equally as difficult to role off the tongue. I suppose first off I should say that I do quite like a larger lady. Though I’m not exclusive to just the big ones. Women of all shapes and sizes are sexy in their own right and I‘m not necessarily talking about ones that are obese, they are good too and I will tell of an experience shortly. I love a figure that has curves on it. I find that squidgy bit of fat around a ladies waist to be absolutely glorious, I love how huge curves can define a birds figure in its own unique way and I admittedly love the big arse and tits that usually accompany a broad of heavier weight. A girl I was shagging in the not too distant passed (who incidentally was NOT a larger lady) used to hate it when I had a squeeze of her belly. Admittedly it was her biggest insecurity and I should have respected that and left it be, but I thought it was one of her best features…. As well as her pretty face, perky tits and gorgeous arse ofcourse. But despite my fondness of the figure of a bird with more meat on her, it is of course at the end of the day about how good their performance is, and if I was to list one stand out brilliant one night stand it would been with this particularly large young lady.
There was this one session I had with a woman who I had met through the promiscuous world of internet dating. Now she was a LARGE girl, not that just in weight but also in height. She must have been about 18 stone and over 6 foot tall, she was so big I had to borrow my housemates double bed just to shag her in as my pathetic single just wouldn’t do. I would also like to add that she was married. But it was a marriage of convenience as appose to a marriage of love and shit. But I’m till ticking off ‘married woman’ from the sex to-do.
I remember the day well, I’d just got back from Glastonbury so I had no money – but undoubtably a raging post festival horn. This was no problem for her, she was happy to just come and hang out, she was even bringing the weed. She invited herself over to my house, which previous experience would show that sex was almost definitely on the cards. We had a lovely day together. Smoked spliffs, chatted and laughed all day, introduced her to Bill Hicks, then stuck on my pulling film at the time Pawel Pawlikowski’s – ‘My Summer of Love’, then I dropped the fail safe line of ‘Last train has just left, would you like to stay here tonight?’
So we get to bed and foreplay gets under way almost immediately. Straight away she delivers a top grade, straight to the balls, blow job, before then pulling me down and sitting on my face, grinding on my tongue. Which by the ladies is a top way of showing a fella you mean business with oral sex. Her pussy was noticeably sweet. That kind of vivid, irreplaceable taste that if you could bottle, then freeze and sell as ice lollies you’d make a billion. The inevitable sex that ceremoniously followed was all well and good, at this point I would also like dispel the rumour that just because a bird carries more weight, don’t mean that her fanny is necessarily going to be as big as she is. This isn’t a complete myth, but then again I’ve shagged size 8’s that have felt like running naked down a corridor. We’re playing off each other well. The tempo is high and consistent and the saucy level is ticking over well, just the right amount of dirty talk and the ease of switching positions is surprisingly agile – although I was doing most of the work. I then tried the cheeky back door test. Both fella’s and lasses should know what this is. When having sex from behind us blokes might run a thumb over your arsehole, and birds you either recoil, say ‘no!’ abruptly, or you get enthusiastic by the idea. If it’s the latter then us fella’s will see how far we can go with it. In this instance my manoeuvre was met with initial thumb, then full on anal fingering then she turned to me and asked casually ‘do you want to fuck my arse?’… ‘Yes’ was my simple but honest reply. Her reaction was then to reach for her handbag to find her lube. ‘I cant find my lube, usually I carry it with me. Just rim me and finger me some more then try’ and as quick as a child being told he can go outside and play in the snow with his friends I was right on that command.
The sex continued for nearly an hour before it reached that point when you can tell the session has started to run its course. but of course most sex cant end until the fella finishes too. Now I’m a bloke that suffers from something called ‘retarded ejaculation’ which not only does it have a horrible name but it can also be incredibly frustrating when shagging a bird. Basically I cant cum during sex. There is one way that usually solves the problem and she knew this. Whilst on the climaxing blowjob-wank combination she looks up at me and says ‘you’re not going to cum soon are you?’ ‘errr, no’ I replied in a way that was trying not to ruin the mood, so her technique got faster, sucked 2 of her fingers and then shoved them inside of me, rubbing my prostate causing an eruption of cum to plaster her face. When it was all done and she washed up she came back to bed with me, said ‘that was great. Thanks. If you want to do it again in the night just wake me up I don’t mind… O and also I snore quite loudly so if you want to sleep somewhere else I wont be offended.’ She woke me up again that night for some more equally good sex. When I woke in the morning she had gone but left a lovely note saying how much she enjoyed herself, and left me a joints worth of weed in my grinder. A few weeks later we established it was a one off thing and nothing more was to come from it. It was probably the best one night stand I’ve ever had and one of my fondest sexual experiences.
But that was just one larger lady, there have been several more. Obviously I wont go into all the details with them because I cant really be bothered nor can I really remember. But all of them seem to have the same brilliant sexual traits. There are several factors that make up great sex; how well you get on with the person, the enthusiasm you both have for the sex at hand, your skill and experience, as well as the freedom to be able to do whatever you like with this person like the kinky stuff you both enjoy. But then there are the other factors, every big girl I’ve been with has been honest and confident in themselves. Funny and seemingly genuinely happy with the person they are. And yes they have all been noticeably great at sex. Of course I am not going to sit here and say that every single big girl out there is great at sex, as well as being happy and confident about themselves because its quite obvious that a lot of them aren’t. Which is ofcourse a lot to do with societies obsession with image… and also health issues. I can never really understand why a larger image still can’t be sexy. If big tits and big curvaceous arses can be universally accepted as sexy then why cant the ladies themselves?
For me when I look at a bird in lust, looks does play a factor but only a small one. personally what makes me really want to fuck a bird is that vibe you get off them where you think ‘yea I bet you’re good at it’. And I get that mostly off the bigger girls, not only do I find them curves and extra bits sexy, but I love the personalities they all seem to have, and that lack of mental baggage they come with that the average shaped birds that I’ve been with seem to all have… which is ironic when you think about it.
Big girls – I love ya’!
Play me out Mozzer