Pervert’s Guide to Thailand

Whenever people ask me whether Thailand was anything I expected it to be, I always respond with the same couple of answers. The first being that I wasn’t expecting it to be so hot all the time. It only gets as cool as 25 degrees at night time – the average temperature being about 33 every single day. The second being that I always had an understanding that this country was renowned for it’s prostitution and willing ladies but I didn’t for a second think that every single town and in some cases villages I was to visit would have atleast one red light area, nor did I think that being a white westerner would automatically make you good looking in the eyes of the locals.

Whoring and socializing with the willing working girls here has been my main hobby whilst grafting here. I often make game plans when I go out as to what service I would like to try next. A chubby one tonight? A saucy massage maybe? A Ladyboy? A go-go bar girl? All in all it’s complimented my hedonistic pallet greatly.

So what can you expect as a sex tourist in Thailand? What services are on offer? How much should you pay? Where should you go? What should you avoid? And why exactly is there such a culture of debauchery in what is a strict Buddhist country? I’ll try my best to explain what I’ve learnt in the 3 months I’ve been here…

‘So do you want to get a brass in?’ Was the first English spoken words I head things as I got out of the gate in Bangkok. I was hot and sweaty, hadn’t slept for 24 hours and was feeling my 16 hour journey from London. Needless to say sampling the local cathouse was probably the best idea to way to rest my fatigued body and mind. ‘I’ll take you to Pattaya… It’s crazy there’ My driver informed me. First off I was dropped off in a hotel so I could have a change of clothes and a quick shower ‘The birds bathe you in these places you know?’ I didn’t care, I needed to freshen up.

My first brothel experience in Thailand was to be at a ‘body to body massage’ house. This was just a cover for what is known as a ‘fish bowl’ style brothel. Basically the lobby of the building consisted of a large seating area with rows of birds infront of it waving and winking, trying to catch my eye for a bit of business. Each bird had a badge with a number on it and all I had to do was tell the concierge which lady I liked and he’d call her over. Service is paid up front at these places – my bird cost 1700 baht (37 quid), which I was later to learn, was premium rate. In fairness though the ladies working here were top half of the table in terms of looks and physique. I faced a similar anxiety to that of spending a Friday evening in the video shop as a child and just being blinded by choice by all the films on offer.

I was lead upstairs to a room not different at all to a standard hotel room, aside from the large bathtub in the corner of the room. The initial service on offer here is a body-body massage and if you’ve never had one of those I can tell you they are brilliant! The service starts with your newly acquired lady friend giving you a soaking and a scrubbing in the bath, then splashing an inflatable mattress on the floor with soapy water. The specialist massage consisted of her prick teasing me by rubbing her soapy naked body all over my own and also included one of my personal favourite pieces of foreplay, which is being wanked off by a pair of arse cheeks. This went on for about half an hour and where as with any other bit of foreplay I would of probably been long bored – this never got old. What followed was your bog standard sex service. You pay for an hour and a half of the ladies time in these places, but being as tired as I was I wanted to finish up soon. So after a few minutes of the ol’ in-out I decided to just eat out her twat and arse until I blew a load over her tits.

First impressions were very high of the potential services on offer. Ladies reading this, if you want to treat your man this valentines day, look into learning full body massage. They’ll fucking love it. Lads – thank me later.

Now that I knew a city like Pattaya was just down the road from me, I felt compelled to go back and visit at any given time I could. As we drove away my driver informed me that what we had seen was just the tip of the iceberg

Now prostitution in the area of Thailand I was in is very reasonably priced, that being said you have to take into consideration the added fee’s on top. Say for instance you get chatted up by a bar girl and want to take her home, first off you have to pay a bar fine, which is the tax for taking the bird away from her place of work – this will cost about 300-400 Baht, then a short stay with said brass – Which I think is a pay 2 cum service but being the marathon man that I am meetings would never last longer then an hour or even less. This will usually cost 1000 Baht. For a long stay, which is paying for her to stay the night this will cost an added 1000. I went for this service once, bust as soon as I handed over the money and she went into the shower to freshen up a bit I fell fast asleep and woke to an empty bed…. Then of course any tips you add on top of that are up to you. I always like to give enough for her to buy a drink (50 baht)

Clocking a bar girl is probably the most popular way of guaranteeing a sure fired promise. You can build up a bit of a rapport, play a few games of pool, have a bit of a laugh etc. But be warned that in doing this you should be prepared to pay for a lot of drinks, not just for her but for her mates too. Yes drink is relatively cheap in Thailand but it soon adds up. The places that are prone for this are the go-go bars, and that leads me on to an anecdote of where things can go a bit south in the city of sin…

One evening whilst doing the rounds of walking street I found that I had a craving for a bit of white meat and thought that I’d slip into one of the Russian nudey joints to gaze at the prizes inside. Now immigration laws in Thailand are very, very strict. Any work that can be done by a Thai cannot be done by a foreigner. So the hospitality industry for instance would be completely off limits, so in turn girls working in a Russian go-go bar is completely against the law. That being said prostitution is strictly illegal in Thailand but that is forgiven by a series of blind eyes and bribes from establishment owners. I cant imagine what kind of backhander overheads are in place for a Russian strip joint but seeing as Pattaya has a reputation for being the Costa Del Sol for Rusky mafia I can imagine it’s a murky and lucrative one…. Anyway what was I talking about? Yea, so I was lead into this place by my hostess – a very pretty Ukrainian girl who could speak even less English then the Thai locals. I was given a menu of coctails and went for the apt White Russian option, which rolled in at 400 Baht (8 quid) A bit steep I thought to myself, but the lights are low and the fanny on stage was looking pretty tasty. It was only when I offered my new friend a drink that she pulled out the ‘hostess list’ of cocktails. She settled for a champagne drink priced at a near 1500 Baht (30 quid!) I wouldn’t even pay that much for a cocktail for my wife let alone some probably exploited hostess!

I’d only been in the joint 10 minutes and had nearly spunked a weeks wages. Then one of the dancing girls gave me a lap dance. Struggling to find a small note I was forced to tip her 100 baht. She did let me slip it down the front of her knickers and fiddle her twat though so I got my moneys worth I suppose. I necked my Caucasian, paid my bill and dashed for the exit.

I stumbled down a parallel lane, looked over to my right and a bouncer swung open the curtain of a go-go bar to reveal a bird on stage strumming herself off. I was drawn in by the siren and seated by a scantly clad lady, ordered one for me and one for her, exchange the usual pleasantries in my best faux Thai accent and terrible native tounge. Then one of her mates asked for a drink, again I said yes. My new friend to the right of me was getting pretty hospitable. Chewing on my ear lobe, rubbing my semi-erect cock. More of her mates gathered then handed me a list of prices for taking the bird back. Not before asking for another drink ofcourse. By this point the bird was literally hand down trousers wanking me off. I was never going to say no to taking her back at this point. By the time I was handed the bill I realised I didn’t have enough to cover it. One of her mates then frog marched me to the nearest cash point, but bizarrely it wouldn’t give me any cash ‘insufficient funds’. There was no way this could be.

After trying a couple of cash points I conceded I couldn’t cover all the bill and still take the broad home, so I just covered all the drinks – fuck knows what it came to. That weren’t it though, 2 of the bastards blocked the exit with their hands out for a tip. I reached in my pocket and chucked them the first two notes I could find. It was only a couple of minutes later I noticed to my horror that I’d slipped one of them a 1000 baht note! What a cunt!

I walked down the Beach Road pissed off with myself, when a bird deliberately bumped into me smiling. She then made the ‘business’ gesture and when I asked how much she showed me a price on her phone. I didn’t have enough, then it dropped by a couple of hundred baht. I think I can cover that I thought. On the walk home I noticed the reason my newfound friend weren’t talking was because she was infact deaf. ‘Novel’ I thought. I was shit faced by the time we got back to the hotel, then as I went to pay her I realized I was 100 short. She didn’t seem too pleased but still went ahead with business. It was only when we finished up that she demanded more money, the ordeal went on for a good few minutes till she gave up and left. The look of hatred on that deaf birds faced haunted me until the next morning, when I realized that my troubles had only just begun. My card had been swallowed by one of the cash points and I had no money to get home. I had to call for help from a colleague to pick me up, when I called the bank it showed that my card had be done and someone had gone to town with it in Bangkok.

Have your wits about when you’re going on seedy missions in this country. You can get ripped off, mugged off or even end up feeling really ashamed for being too pissed to realise you don’t have enough money to pay a handicapped hooker. You can say no to the girls who ask for drinks. Also set yourself a budget and try not to use your card that often – card fraud is rife in Thailand. But I cant stress enough the importance of having enough money to pay your potential partner. I still feel dirty thinking about that night.

Another service that Thailand is famous for is its massage parlors. Now of course there are more then enough genuine places around that offer a damn good Thai oil massage – I have a list of favorites that I used to visit every Wednesday after work, sometimes Saturdays if the Chelsea result was bad. I only ever visited a sensual massage place once and the reason I never went back is because it was do damn expensive, however this is taking into account that the town of Sriacha I was staying in has a large Japanese population, therefore prices are a lot higher for pretty much everything.

First off the initial price of the massage was 800B, which is over double the price of a standard massage. This was just for a simple hand-job and massage from a super model grade Thai bird. On arrival to my room though I was automatically upsold by my masseur who offered me body-body massage. I declined when she quoted me an added 1000 on top of the bill. The massage itself was a bit shit, but the handjob was pretty top notch, especially considering I’m a man who only likes to be wanked off by himself. A few minutes into warming me up she offers me the body-body offer again, this time I agree. The bird is a stunner, no question, especially naked. She tells me there will be no sex involved, but fuck knows how much that will cost. Yes the hand-job is above par from what I’ve had in the past, infact that’s underplaying it, it was the best old fashioned I’ve ever had. And yes having her naked super model body and moist cunt rub all over me was very sexy but for nearly 40 quid I’d suggest just trying a normal brothel. To be honest with you the majority of women in Thailand are really hot and even though prostitutions aint really a market to go searching for a bargain, there are certainly places where you get more bang for your buck.

If you are after just a simple bit of sex without all the sitting in bars and buying drinks carry on, then your best bet is the curb crawlers. Now in the UK and possibly many other parts of the world, the friends of the pavement are usually the last resort when looking for sex. The street pro’s from the area of London I live in all look as mean as their life has been. I’d be more likely to pay them to go away. From what I experienced in Thailand, this is mostly different. The women on the streets of Thailand that I saw ranged from a few bruisers, the clearly drug addled and simply just the independent. That being said I did notice some Indian looking girls in Pattaya and some Arabic and African girls in Bangkok. If you have any conscience I’d suggest leaving these birds the fuck alone. Even if like me you were curious to see what is under an Arabic birds burka. These women are clearly here against their own will, and most if not all of the money they earn ends up in dirty hands. I have also seen girls that were clearly far too young to be walking the streets and others who seemed weathered by their addictions. If this is your taboo, keep it to yourself and take some time to think about the effect you’re having on the world.

One tip I will give you is one that I have used down the red light district in Amsterdam. Go for the bird that wont leave you alone, it is most likely that they are taking this route of commerce in their own enterprising fashion – it also gives a more likely chance of a better experience, as starting into the cold dead stare of a hooker mid fuck is a chilling experience.

I went down this avenue twice during my stay here. One was with a very normal looking lady who was older then she looked. I had her down at about mid twenties, turned out she was almost mid thirties. Her MO was just popping down to Beach Road every Friday and Saturday night to pick up a punter so she could bring an extra bit of crust home for her kids. Considering the Thai wage averages at about 1500 Baht a week, earning an extra couple of K on the side aint much of a bad idea.

This lady was good company. She had an hilarious grasp of broken English, when lying on a the bed naked traying to take the whole of my dick in my mouth she laughed then remarked ‘ooo my dick very long huh?’. She also knew the tricks to finish up a session quickly. Doing my usual of trying to finish myself off whilst having her sat on my face, she speeded up the process by going straight for the prostate tickle. She got a tip that’s for sure.

The other experience was with a very convincing Ladyboy who followed me up the road. This particular night I was on the hunt for a chubby number, but when that failed I settled for this bird, who was so convincing I would have been disappointed if it turned out she didn’t have a dick between her legs. She was a hell of a looker with a good grasp of English – A common trait that I found with all the Ladyboys I cam in contact with. And similarly to every other Ladyboy I fucked she delivered an A-class service. Rimming, fingering, fucking both ways and taking control of the session was not off limits for her. She left by kissing me on the dick and a wish to see me again. That cost me 1000 Baht.

Then ofcourse there are the birds who are just quite simply very keen. Just after the session with that Ladyboy I decided to wind down. I was staying in a Brothel on the infamous Soi 6 in Pattaya. I went down to the bar area to get the Wi-fi password, next to me was a cute bird who opened up a dialogue with me. I knew I didn’t have enough money for another brass but I did quite fancy a game of a pool and another drink. The bar shut around us and after a couple of games with the score ending 1-1 I went upstairs to my room. She followed, ‘I sleep with you?’ she asked. ‘I haven’t got any money love’ I responded… ‘that’s ok!’. Blimey what a result I thought. ‘I go to walking street first. You want to come?’ I was knackered, I couldn’t be fucked to go out on the piss any further. When I told her this she said she’d be back. ‘Chance will be a fine thing’ I thought to myself. I sat in my pants watching a Thai film review show, then stuck on a classic Star Trek episode, I dozed off then came to to find the very bird stood at the end of my bed smiling.

I was half expecting her to come out with a quote for the service at the end of the sex, instead we had over an hour of pretty good sex then fell asleep embracing. She woke up early the next morning; apparently she was due to go to temple with her boss. It was by far the easiest shag I have ever scored.

There are other establishments offering services but these can sometimes be expensive avenues to go down. Karaoke bars being one of them. You can expect the usual carry on of being molested by several birds, buying a load of drinks but then also paying for them to sing you songs. This is more prominent in the Japanese areas. I think they feel better for brassing in a karaoke setting.

So why is there such a culture for whoring in the land of a thousand smiles? I haven’t got a definitive answer but has heard a few theories. The first being that the culture in Thailand is based around saving face. The locals act all reserved and tranquil amongst their associates but in truth love a good tear up and a fuck. The other being that gaining a western notch on the bedpost is a pretty high score. If you bring home a European or an American man back to your village you are considered a very high roller. Obviously other factors involve money. These birds aint necessarily out to get your money on malicious grounds but so that they can help their families with the most genuine intentions. But then why prostitution? One example I was given for this was that most girls in Thailand born in villages have a life that will consist of reaching puberty, getting pregnant from the boy next door so that they can have enough kids to help them in the rice fields in the near future… They can either choose this life, or choose a life of fucking sleazy yet charming white blokes down the road, earning more money in a night then they would in a month working the paddy fields. What would you choose?

Overall though I have found being in an environment where sex workers are treated as the norm very refreshing. Yes, prostitution in Thailand is illegal, just like it is in the UK, but here it is more accepted. Some girls in the bars are employed on the basis they take regular health tests and none of them seem stigmatized for their chosen profession. Yes ok some of the women are probably being exploited and that is wrong. But it runs true in every profession when you think about it. From what I’ve seen just not in Thailand but in amongst society itself prostitution isn’t the bleak, low-life occupation people would have you believe. For me it’s the same hysteria as immigrants coming here and stealing our jobs and exploiting our benefits. Yea there are a minority who are taking the piss, but mostly they are just hard working people making a few extra snows in a profession not many people would really want to do. Like I said yes there is things wrong with human trafficking and general exploitation in the world but I firmly believe that most sex workers are doing it because – shock horror! People, especially women, like sex, and it makes sense that if you love it enough why not earn a lot of money out of it. If you disagree with any of what I’ve said, please do get in touch.

Thailand itself has inspired me. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t just come here to brass it up, I have genuinely been working hard at a legitimate job. I could go on forever about what I love about this country, but this blog is about its working women. I have never come across a race of people where every female of the species has some air of beauty about them. Their smiles, their noses, their skin and their eyes – also I’ve noticed when God was molding tits for Asia the Thai’s were definitely front of the cue. They are friendly, strong willed, hard working and will do anything for you. Whats more they come for a very fair price. In the Uk if I’m on a date with a bird I can expect to pay atleast 40 quid for a date out with a bird and not even expect a kiss goodnight. In Thailand you can expect a super model girlfriend for the night for the very same amount. Whilst I sit in Bangkok airport waiting for my check in desk to open, I will raise my can of Leo to the gorgeous women of Thailand.

This wont be the last I see of this land. I will be back…. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to make an appointment with the GUM clinic.

Play me out Mozzer…