Lost in Pattaya

Suck my cock’ A ladyboy says to me as I walk out of my hotel. With a zombified stare in her eyes she takes my hand and oddly gropes her friends tit with it. I smile and make a gesture that I aint interested, this doesn’t stop her from keeping hold of my hand and walking down the street with me for a bit more though. I manage to shake her off and head down Soi 7 of Pattaya. A city seemingly made entirely of brothels and bars. Along the street I am deafened if not a bit overwhelmed by the sounds and sites of women of all shapes and sizes calling at me ‘heeyyy why you so sexy’ ‘helloooo handsome man’. Some of them block my way and try to force me into their place of work. I look over at the ‘You Twat Bar’ and see a couple of Russians playing pool with a couple of birds, she’s trying to put him off by baring her arse cheek over one of the cushions. One thing is for sure, these women are sexy and are mostly gorgeous. The whole street is a sensory overload of sleaze, booze and club classics, infact the whole city is and this aint even the most debauched street.

The city of Pattaya sits on the southern cove of Thailand which was first discovered as a brothel city during the war when American and Australian soldiers would dock there. Now it represents more of a Russian Costa Del Sol. When I fancied a break from work I’d bus it down of a Friday evening and book myself in at a 500 baht (10 English pounds) hotel. The room of the hotel, although a bit tatty is perfectly clean, with aircon, towels and a bottle of water in the fridge, fine if you’re only spending a single night there and just need a venue to bring women back too.

So this particular night I took to the streets, I thought I’d see how far down the rabbit hole of smutty watering holes I could possibly venture. I’ll drink in a few bars then search for a brass for the night I thought. After getting bored of being constantly offered to buy suits I cross over the road to walk on the seafront on which there is a row of street pro’s offering smiles and favours. Some of them are right bruisers, most of them are pretty and a lot of them aint even tarted up they just look like normal women. Infact I even got chatting to one of them and got told that she actually worked the next town over and would come out of a Friday evening, get a paid shag in then just head off home. Her services cost me 1000 baht, which is probably a days wage in Thailand.

Another observation I make whilst making my way along the sea front is the demographic of tourists here. There are mainly Russian families – Although Pattaya is certainly not a place for kids. The only Brits are fattening, middle aged men with pretty young bar girls under their arms. I’d of thought that a city overflowing with bars and clubs blaring dance music and nudey joints and brothels where the pro’s pretty much drag you in off the street would attract a younger crowd. How little I know.

I decide against crossing the road again because despite the string of South Indian fella’s forcibly trying to get you to buy suits that’ll probably fall to pieces the moment you get them back to the UK there is also the obstacle of women blocking your way and dragging you into a bar. This may sound like a refreshing change from walking down a beach in the west but it can become an annoyance quite quickly. Also walking into one of these bars for a quiet beer can end up with one of these said pretty birds sitting next to you and politely flirt in exchange for a few drinks and maybe even an offer of business. Again this may sound reasonable but when you only really want to go in there and watch the snooker it can become an annoyance.

Anyway I make it to walking street. A man with a sign filled with crudely drawn naked bodies performing lude acts blocks my path ‘hey man ping-pong show, pussy show?’ I lift a refusing hand but he follows me and asks ‘What do you need man?’ But I’m not in the mood for drugs tonight, I haven’t been since I got here. The half a mile walk in the humid heat of a Thai evening has got me all sweaty. I need a lagar with a whiskey chaser immediately.

Walking street in Pattaya is an endless lane of blinding neon lights, street entertainers performing shit magic tricks and go-go bars with misleading drinks offers. Trying to find somewhere that wont involve having to entertain a birds broken English is difficult but I manage to find a rock bar with a band playing rock n roll classics. The band are pretty tight to give them their due, infact most of the bands in Thailand are in my experience. After a few whiskeys and a chat to the very pleasent hostess I feel in the mood for some sleaze, but need to venture back to my hotel room for some more dosh to fund it.

I think in Pattaya I have found the one corner of the earth not inhabited by British. Everyone else who is white is Russian, but actually when I look closely in some of the bars the swollen, balding, grey old men with dolly birds under arms must be British. They all look like retired criminals. I’m sure this place is just the Costa Del Sol of Asia. On my way back to my digs for the evening I walk past a biker bar. 4 or so leather clad men stand outside with the type of birds under their arms that they wish they had when they was 25… ‘Good for them’ I think aloud.

Leaving my room for a second time I feel like venturing right into the heart of the beast. In amongst every watering hole, massage parlor and fanny bar is a 24 hour pharmacy. I don’t know why either, but I take advantage of some lax thai legislation and buy a 10 pack of tramadol for about 2 quid. Then taking note of how shitfaced I am I decide to buy a few Viagra’s. Losing your horn when you’re pissed is bad enough, staying on the slack when you’re paying for it is murder. Dazzled by neon and loud country and western I stumble aimlessly through the labyrinth of sin. Then a cute little glass of water with short, spiked up blonde hair and very pretty face takes my hand, wraps her arms around me and refuses to let go. ‘No I’m alright’ I persist, then she shoves her tongue down my throat… ‘O alright then’ I quickly concede.

This bird wont let got of me. I’m sat at the bar and she’s clamped on to me kissing my face. I offer her a drink and order myself another double whiskey to wash down another trammy and vaggy. My new friends whispers a few sleazy comments in an adorable Thai accent in my ear and asks for me to spend the night with her. ‘Yea go on then’. I pay her bar fine of 300 Baht – A tax to the establishment that they work in. Any money that exchanges hands next goes entirely to the bird in question – I hope.

Stumbiling arm in arm on to the main road I suddenly realise I haven’t got a fucking clue where I am, I don’t even have a vague clue what direction my hotel is in, nor can I even remember the bastard name. We do manage to make it on to main road. But I’m still lost. In the end I manage to make out the hotel name on the room key. Even then the moped taxi’s don’t know where it is, luckily though we find one who calls up his control to get directions and gives us both a ride… We were the road parallel to it.

I have a gentleman’s wash in the shower, then let her do take my place. She still remains her cute bouncy self but im suddenly struck with the fear that all my clothes are left in the bathroom with all my dosh and possessions in the pocket. When she comes out though she brings me clothes neatly folded. When I check later no cash is missing. I imagine the fear of pissing off a punter by robbing them could lead to their career being cut short by a Stanley blade to the face… That or she’s just honest.

Our session lasts about 15 minutes, its all very routine. Start with a bit blowie, she goes on top for bit, back scuttle her for a while, frack her as hard as I can from above for a few minutes. I notice how sexy she is. Fanny like a mouses earhole, wet as an otters pocket, skin like a baby seals. Then the cocktail of tramadol and booze start to take effect and I cant continue. Making the international sign for time out she offers me a massage, the kind I’ve never had before. She uses her knee’s and elbows instead of her hands. It’s actually surprisingly soothing. After she cuddles up to me in bed and continues talking bollocks in an adorable mix of broken English and Thai. ‘Short stay or long stay she asks’ I could quite happily have her here all night but I have filth on the brain. The Soi next to me is very famous for the type of bird that frequent it’s boozers… Ladyboys! And I fancy a bit of that action this evening.

I slip the pro a 1000 baht, plus a couple hundred extra on top for the massage and lovely company. I see her off up the street then turn the other direction to soi 6. I get about 50 yards onto the street when before I could even utter the words ‘there must be ladyboys around here somewhere’ I am taken by the hand by a pretty ladydragged into the backroom of a bar, and she’s kneeling before me pulling down my kecks. ‘300 baht’ she says before whipping my cock out. ‘How much for the works love’ I reply… ‘1000 baht’… ‘YES’. I have another shower and try to take a piss, but the Viagra is in full effect and typically my piss is shooting off in 3 different directions. I’ve also drunk a skinful by this point so there are no signs are stopping.

The girl has skills with sucking dick. One of them blowies that starts short but goes deeper down the throat with every thrust. ‘Do you want to fuck my ass’… ‘That’s what I’m here for love’ Now ‘nuff respect to these girls, to be able to have your arse take a pounding as a job gets a doff of the hat by me. To go through with it and enjoy it is a testament to their love of the game.

Positions switch and the session is steamy enough to already be memorable, ‘Do you want me to fuck you?’ she requests ‘yea go on then’. First off I realise that of all the dick that I end up sucking in my life theoretically or physically noshing off this gender kaleidoscope will be the most memorable. Until the next one atleast. One thing I note straight away is that Asians really do have small cocks. Which is ideal for both sucking the off and getting fucked by them. As a man who likes to both give and receive anal sex and seeing as my previous experience has been pretty much entirely from the long thick dildo of a birds strap on, I welcomed getting fucked by something under 6 inches. Positions chop and change, my favorite being prison fucked up against a mirror on te wall. The filth factor is high!

then my new friend asks ‘Do you want 2 radyboy?’…. ‘YES! Fucking absolutely’ I aint going to turn down the opportunity of a ladyboy 3-some for any money. She pops out and brings in one of her mates. Then she fucks me on the bed whilst her mate showers, when she comes out she sits on my chest and I get her hard with my mouth. The bird with her dick in my mouth moves back and starts riding my cock whilst my original friend takes her place, after a few minutes her friend rubbers up and starts fucking me aswell. We decide to change positions, not before both of them take turns on sucking me off. I’m then forced against the wall again to be tagged fucked and wanked off by the both of them. ‘You ‘ave time. Don’t worry about cum’ One of them reassures me. Loyal readers and past lovers will know very well about my delayed cumming problem, but on this occasion I thought there may be an exception, especially towards the climax of the steamy encounter where I’m in the middle of a sandwich, fucking one bird underneath of me and getting shafted by another behind me. I honestly think this may be the first time I shoot my beans during sex. But the hought is cut short when the bird rooting me from behind pulls out and cums on my arse – I can now understand why birds like being cummed on so much… It feels pretty fucking filthy. The bird I’m fucking shoots her load so I thought I’d be the gentleman and pull out. Despite both of them spraying either on themselves or me they are both eager to get me off. One of them sucks my balls and rims my arse whilst the other noshes me off. The scene becomes quite familiar, I am frantically wanking off, sweating like a cunt and having to be anally stimulated in an attempt to reach orgasm. After what seems like a while and with 2 tranny’s with a finger each up my hole and sucking my nipples I shoot what seems to be a pint of spunk all over the place. A huge cheer goes up from all 3 of us!

I wash myself, pay the girls and start to leave ‘You ‘ave girlfriend in Thailand?’ one asks, ‘Nah I don’t’… ‘Maybe we can be your girlfriends?’ the other responds… Not a bad idea I think.

As I leave I get called over by a geezer sat at the bar. ‘Come here I want a word with you’’… ‘Alright mate’ I say merrily. He introduces himself as John and is from West Yorkshire ‘I’m telling you mate… I cant go back to normal women’… ‘hehe don’t blame you bruv’

I leave the brothel and light up a cigarette to celebrate taking both the match ball home from a lucrative hat-trick and the 5^th threesome of my professional career. WALLOP!

I think back on the experience and can confirm its in the top 5 possibly even top 3 sauciest encounters of my life so far. I set out to nail a few ladyboys when I got here… I mean it be rude not too. The enigma of them is too much to resist. Yea they are basically pretty boys with makeup on and fake tits. But I go for birds who look like boys, birds who look like birds with dicks is a whole new spectrum of adventure that I’m happy to explore.

It aint all sleaze and smut with the ladies of Pattaya though. The next day I walk down the street and fancy a breakfast beer. I stop at a place called ‘The Pussy bar’ which is run by 3 sisters. The cutest one can speak the best English and she keeps me entertained playing board games and talking about life until I get so drunk I nearly fall off my stool.

‘I’ll come back to this place’ I think aloud… This is by far the most insane place I have visited in my life so far.

Play me out Mozzer….