2013 has been a bastard. I look back over the last 12 months and all I can remember is frustration and disappointment. I am glad to be rid of it. A good friend of mine did say that it was a transitional year and I suppose in the spirit of optimism this is a good stance to take. I mean I did achieve the goal of moving out of my parent’s house which can only have a positive effect. But aside from that I’m in a job I don’t particularly want to do with a list of goals and deadlines in front of me that I can never seem to find the drive to achieve.
One thing that has been somewhat of an accomplishment this last year is people starting to notice my writing. Another good friend of mine called me a ‘literary finding’. I think my first published musing of this blog was back in Febuary and since then friends and even people that I don’t even have as a ‘friend’ on Facebook have come up to me to tell me how much they enjoy reading about my grotty sex life, and that has been lovely. I have had my brains picked for a potential Channel 4 series on sex addiction and have had an article published in a Berlin magazine. I’ve had birds come up to me and tell me that they want to have sex with me after reading it and on one occasion it actually happened. I really should put it forward again to the last ladies that put the offers in. The things is when its put on a plate like that infront of you, it can be far too clinical and too hard to work. Kind of the equivalent of a last minute penalty in a cup final but with not as much pressure. I suppose underneath this obnoxious drunk before you I am still very shy… yet very always willing.
But over all the thing that has given me the most pleasure is you lot gaining a bit of enjoyment out of what I write and that has given me a lot of confidence this past year and for that I thank you with all my heart.
I first started writing blogs when I was 16 and from what I remember that was a review of 2006. I remember it being a coming of age year when I first discovered drugs, parties, new friends and London night life. I remember in this particular entry I made a list of things I wanted to get done in the new year and amongst the obligatory ‘complete college course’ ‘be a better person’ nonsense one of them was ‘find a girlfriend’ and my reasoning for doing so was because I hadn’t really tried or wanted to before that. 7 years later and I still haven’t achieved this goal.
This past working year certainly aint been good for fishing for women. To a response to a misogynist rant of mine at a party, a fella said to me ‘O did you have a bad experience’ – ‘no’ was my reply, ‘the whole experience has been bad’ So now at the close of business 2013 I reflect on my actual love life and the history of it and it makes very grim reading. I’ve been in to all the knock backs and fuck over’s in previous entries and to be honest with you even recounting them makes me jaded now so if you must know just read a few entries below.
This past year I have come to realise that my sex drive is low and have even been faced with the daunting thought that there may even be no way back with me and the opposite sex. My social circle is made up of about 75% men, the women I know I have no actual attraction to and/or are already taken. The single women I do come across that I may potentially take on are either not interested or incredibly horrible people and the experiences of this do naturally put a mans back up to those who may be more willing.
I even considered giving gay a try for new year. I mean I enjoy the company of men more then I do women, I like anal sex and get the impression there would be no head fuck in an all male relationship. I actually read a survey once that gay relationships are ironically much happier then hetro ones…. But I think I just made up.
However I assed that situation and have come to the conclusion that its an inevitably bad idea. At the end of the day I don’t find men attractive and a gay experience that goes bad could potentialy damage me. I could also be stuck with that same anxiety similar to that what lottery winners get of having everything you thought you wanted but its still not enough. Also some sexual aspects of men are just really not appealing. The rough course hair and the tough, callused skin of a man compared to the shaved, baby soft, seal like flesh of a woman? Give me the latter every time.
Also my idea that a relationship with a man would be smooth running with no emotional rollercoaster or fuck overs would be totally naive. Despite my apparent sexism I am true to the knowledge that both men and women are equal cunts. Yes I may have been stabbed in the back by women so many times, I don’t have any skin… But that’s just the way it goes.
So I suppose when I look back on my year I will come to the conclusion that yes it has been quiet on the women front. I am going on 5 months of celibacy, my longest goal drought for 4 years and despite a few potential interests I can see it going on for much longer.
Despite no longer having the jolly act of shagging at my disposal I do miss the other little aspects of sharing a bed with a bird. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and being able to place my face in between a pair of tits and stick my hand on a bare round arse, I miss the entertainment of an animated sleeper next to me. I miss being woken up in the morning to compliments, I miss the sour smell of stale alcohol and cigarettes on a birds bed breath. I miss not lying awake with this horrible hollow, aching feeling in the pit of my abdomen and this fucking carnival inside my head that just wont let off despite the amount of booze I try to silence it with. I’ve come to realise now that that carnival is indeed the unforgiving nag of loneliness and for the past year I have tried to convince myself that that particular feeling was just dependency leaving the body. But like its counterpart pain, too much of it can leave you with nerve damage and you don’t grow any stronger at all. You just find yourself more stressed, more lethargic and ultimately a lot more unhappy.
Now don’t get me wrong I still do love no-strings shagging birds. To those of you reading who have chucked offers my way only to met by my dozey expressions, don’t worry I have an interest I’m just an idiot. These are another of the little things I’ll asses come this new year. To me aside from reading, watching football and going to the cinema there is no greater pass time then making as many women as I possibly can orgasm. It’s great for morale, confidence and the rewarding sense that you’ve made someone happy is good for the soul.
However recently I have found whilst sitting staring at the walls in my mundane job that I have started to daydream an entire romance in my mind. I hear this is quite common with full time single people and I’ve even gone to the point where my imaginary girlfriend has a career and even faults in her personality. I’ve even planned out how I meet her, certain social scenarios and then the inevitable break up at the end… If you must know my fantasy relationship is with a girl named Sam from New York who comes to London to pursue a career as an architect. We meet at a gig that we both attend alone and hit it off straight away. She enjoys cinema, can speak 2 other languages and volunteers teaching girls football. The whirlwind romance lasts 2 and a half years before she gets the rambling itch and sets off to the other side of the world for another adventure. I can get stuck in this fantasy for aslong as half an hour before reality hits me and crushes me bent into the ground like a festival tent peg.
For the last 7 years after setting myself that goal I have been stuck in the opinion that I’ve never really wanted a girlfriend, mainly from seeing the damage it does especially to friends and my parents. But now I think the time has come where it should happen. I’m 23 now, I’ll be 24 before I know it and in that time since I set that goal the only bird I ever actually made an effort to start a relationship with is a now a big regret and the only heart I’ve ever broken still fills me with guilt and well shame to be honest. I have met a bird who I would quite happily snap up, but typically she lives across the pacific ocean in another country. If in another 7 years I’ll be 30 and if I’m sitting there thinking back and remembering this blog and I still haven’t found someone to put up with my casual moaning and bollocks then it will be mission failed.
I like to think I’ve experienced a few things in my relatively short time of existing, I’m not as travelled as id like to be granted but that’s easily achieved. The fact that I’ve never loved someone though is becoming quite a glaring issue however. You can find a few cheapy flights to go to India online, unfortunately though you cant just go down the bird wholesalers and pick up a girlfriend. Just like you cant show up at the job centre and start a career the next day. You just have to let it happen and more often then not be in the right place at the right time.
I will see these last 12 months as a transitional period. Time to think and asses how to make things work. First port of call for the next calendar is a new job, even if its not my chosen career, working weekends is no way for a young man to live his life, I’m happy with the structure of 9-5. I will continue writing and try to publish myself openly. I will try to travel a bit more and find adventure. As for sex my goals include finding a dominant bird as I now find the idea more appealing, as well as one who likes getting smacked around a lot, because they are always great fun. I’d like to shag more birds of different nationalities and of different colour. If one of these turns out to be girlfriend material then fantastic. Because going to museums and galleries alone is getting a bit boring and life is very long when you’re lonely.
Speaking of which, I’m done now.
Happy New Year
Play me out Mozzer….